My weight lifting conundrum: Lucille Ball meets SNL

With having large breasts, consistently on a regular basis I have severely painful muscle knots in my shoulder blades. While in college I was able to pro-actively counteract this pain with swimming laps 4 to 6 times a week in the school pool. A fish out of water, my pain has become increasingly intolerable, which has led me to lifting in order to strengthen my back and work the muscle knots. So after I run on the treadmill for 30 minutes, I usually spend some time lifting weights.

You know the little instructional animations attached to lifting machines? Well I tend to resemble the little stick figure with and x drawn through it representing the incorrect way to use the machine. Half the time I look like an SNL skit. Which leads me to my most perplexing question, why have I never been exposed to the correct lifting techniques? Out of all my years being a dedicated athlete, from soccer to volleyball, no coach or trainer from club teams to high school teams has ever incorporated lifting weights into practice. (and It wasn't for lack of resources!)

Out of all the times I have gone to the gym in my apartment building to workout, I have not seen any other women on any of the lifting machines, only men. I always see women on the elliptical machine, on the treadmill, and the step machines. Already aware I look like I Love Lucy in the weight room, this gendered equation makes me feel even more insecure and on edge. Why does the weight room have a virtual 'no girls allowed' sign posted on its walls? Is it because like me, these women were never taught how to use the machines and the men were on sports teams that taught them the basics early on. (The boys soccer team and football team lifted) I suspect it all stems from the media's portrayals of the ideal body.

Female celebrities are not celebrated for 'having muscle'. Skinny and slender is preferred to muscular. Women are supposed to be in shape and toned, but not appearing to have power and visual muscle. Having definition in arms and legs is not 'sexy'. Female athletes' bodies are contradictory and condemned, as if having muscle equates to masculinity. Take for example, Katie Hnida, the first female football player to score in a NCAA Division I FBS football game. Katie (toned, in shape, healthy) was recruited by modeling agencies, and after one meeting with a representative, she was told that she needed to lose weight to be a model. Katie walked away knowing that was bullshit.

Learning how all the machines work has been an intimidating process, but I'm slowly becoming more educated. The BEST websites I found from doing some research about weight lifting and feminism is http://www.stumptuous.com. From the proper way to do squats to no-bullshit-confrontation of what makes a woman feminine, check it out!

Come One, Come All to see the Fattest Woman of All: Donna Simpson

Just like prostitutes and strippers, Donna Simpson is using her body to make money, what's the big deal? If you log onto her website you can pay to watch her eat and wash her body. The catch: Donna is the biggest woman (520lbs) to ever give birth. Wearing a size 7X dress she is married with a daughter. She recently announced her goal of becoming 1,000 lbs.

My thoughts: Donna was probably a large girl, and a large teenager, and then became a large woman. Tired of being an outsider, she decided to say 'fuck you' to societal standards and make money off of being a spectacle. She found someone she loves, found a way to profit off of her vices, and therefore doesn't have to change.

Her husband is announced as a 'chubby chaser' as if he needs an 'out' or excuse to be in love with her. If a man marries someone thin he isn't proclaimed a 'Bone-chaser'. I would compare her husband to the ringleader of the circus announcing the headliner of the 'fattest woman in the world'.

Since the start of the creation of this blog I was introduced to the concept of 'fat-feminism'. I'm slowly learning more about it, and while I support the core of the movement, to oppose all forms of fat-discrimination. I hesitate to say I am a 'fat-feminist' because I believe overweight people should seek to be healthy according to doctor's standards, yet I also believe NO ONE should ever be discriminated against based on their weight. (Sorry for the wiki-link, but it describes Fat-Feminism the best: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_feminism)

Donna Simpson stated that she was comfortable with dying if it meant reaching her ideal 1,000lb weight. I want to say I respect Donna's desire to do whatever she wants with her own life, it’s her prerogative, however my concern lies with how her choices affect her daughter's quality of life.

One of my parents had a gastric bypass, so as someone who has had experiences with having an obese parent, I argue her daughters life is severely impacted by her mother's wishes to live a larger sedentary lifestyle. While I was encouraged to be active and eat healthy, will Donna's child receive the same upbringing? Children learn the world through the actions of their parents. What will Donna's daughter have to say to her in 10, 15, 20 years about her own relationship to food? Will Donna even be around to hear it?

Panic at the Scale

According to The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale University less than half of physicians actually address a patient’s weight problem. I have never once been talked to by any of my physicians about being overweight. Not once has a doctor suggested a nutritionist or quizzed me on my diet. Why is that? Is it my sole responsibility to ask for help with weight loss? Is it an uncomfortable subject for my physicians too? Up until now I have been so self conscious and ashamed of my weight that I would never be able to even broach the topic with a doctor- because then my obesity and the risk of disease would be real. No one wants a magnifying glass held up to their flaws, including me.

In elementary school I remember feeling anxious in the pit of my stomach when I was weighed during routine exams. Surrounded by all the other kids I was scared that the nurse would announce my weight and embarrass me. Fact: All throughout elementary school I was ‘healthy’ according to BMI. Yet somehow the healthy ten year old version of myself already learned to hate her body, how sad is that?

When I go to the doctor now as an adult, I still get anxious knowing I have to be weighed. I even ask the nurse to NOT tell me my weight out loud as I turn my head to the side so I don’t have to see the numbers. As if those numbers would somehow tell me something I didn't already know. This deeply rooted insecurity, avoidance, and secrecy surrounding my body is not positive.

Is scale anxiety something other people deal with on such a severe level? Is there really a way to get over it? Ideally health care practitioners would ask patients if they wanted to be weighed. To love my body don’t I have to accept it in every form, including numerical?

Chunky, the F Word, and other terminology

"Well she's chunky like us." A good friend whispered that sentence when trying to describe to me how another female looked. I explained to her that I didn't want to be associated with a texture of peanut butter and preferred to be labeled curvy.

When referring to myself I use the term curvy. Curvy has a positive connotation. All Women have some form of hips and breasts which gives them all sexy curves. Let it be noted, I AM NOT saying that a certain body type is more preferable or better then another. I am simply stating how I choose to talk about my body.

According to the body mass index the terminology used to discuss body weight is underweight, healthy weight, overweight, and obese. While it's important to be educated about how healthy one is, I don't find the terms engaging or empowering in every day life. I see them as enemies attached to stereotypes.

A fellow intern once asked me, "Would a feminist call themselves fat?" I am a feminist. I have body image issues. But have I ever called myself fat? No, not out loud. Have I told myself in my head that I was fat, yes. I would argue that doesn't make me less of a feminist, but rather means I have work to do to improve my self-confidence and love for my body.

How do you refer to your weight? Does the word you use empower you? Do you say something if someone chooses to define your body in a way that offends you or hurts your feelings? Do you prefer voluptuous, skinny, full figured, petite, thick, curvy, or healthy? Why?

Feminism Meet Weight Loss, Weight loss meet feminism!

Fact: I do not know how much I weigh. However, I can tell you weight has been an issue my entire life. I am a 21 year old female who needs to get healthy. I’m not trying to fit into that little black dress or an itsy bitsy teeny weeny poka dot bikini (that yogurt commercial just erks me!)

My goal is to get to a healthy weight. So here’s the bottom line, how does a feminist go about losing weight? Does the experience involve a scale? Or does it involve other measures of self improvement?

In attempt to stay motivated I will use this blog to reflect on my experiences throughout the process. From body image to weight loss advertisements to my relationship with food, nothing will be off limits. In an attempt to become honest with myself I will use this blog as a tool to try to confront my behavior and motivate myself to be healthy.